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No one is their best in this place

August 26, 2012

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

I hate this fucking city.

You should know by now, though, that there’s almost more love than I can bear in that statement. Remember the monologue from 25th hour? Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. You can’t hate something that much without loving it. There’s a piece of New York inside of me, and there are pieces of me littering New York. I can tell you: I don’t like the way the city sinks into my skin. An invisible layer of smoke and grime, an impermeable barrier to affection and attention.

Perfect preservation while the rest of me erodes.

You hear it again and again:

New York attracts the best.

I’m not sure that’s true. Or, maybe it is but the city sucks that out of us in various ways. We can be good, we can be great, but there’s a spiritual cost to that and it keeps us from achieving ultimate success. Maybe.

“I try to be my best” but it isn’t working. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I’m not trying at all. I’m three seconds out of sync with the rest of the universe and trying desperately to catch up. I’ve given up hope. I don’t know how to fix the things that I’ve destroyed.

I don’t know what comes next and I’m not too proud to tell you I need help. I need a break, a stroke of luck.

Fortune favors the bold, I know. But I’ve been quick to give in to the worst angels of my nature. It’s been a rough couple of months. Fall for the wrong man, work more hours than you can stand, lose family and friends in permanent, irreversible ways. This can’t be the way of the world , can it? Forever?

This isn’t the life I’m supposed to be living and I need to change it before it’s too late.


5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2012 8:20 pm

    Yes, change it as fast as you can because there will come a day when you will wake up and realize that it is, in fact, too late.

  2. Pareidolalia permalink
    August 26, 2012 8:23 pm

  3. Nicole Witte permalink
    August 26, 2012 8:28 pm

    Maybe I’m generalizing, but I think you’re at a difficult life stage. I think it takes most people awhile to get their footing once they get out of school. It took me years, during which I broke a lot of things, during which I felt and experienced a lot (A LOT) of the things you so deftly describe above. Things are a lot better now.

    Find what nurtures you and let that be your lighthouse.

  4. August 26, 2012 8:35 pm

    I have moved around a lot. And there is a popular saying that claims there’s no such thing as a geographic solution to an emotional problem.

    It may be true. But there’s nothing wrong with trying.

    I wish I had some real help to give you besides the assurance that you are not alone and that you are heard. I can assure you of that. The rest of it is just nerve. And I know you have nerve, lady.

  5. miraimaki permalink
    August 26, 2012 9:24 pm

    In these situations I feel pretty useless to you, but only because I can sympathize so much that I really have no clue how to help or what advice to give. I’d give it to myself first if I knew. I regret not being around for you today because of my family. My time with them ended up being pretty miserable and only made me feel worse. Next time I’ll listen to my instincts and make the healthy choice. Next time you and me are going out and doing some serious venting!

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