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“If people demand too much, I’ll get rid of them”

December 28, 2011

Yelling things across the apartment no one ever hears and it’s always “help me” and “I need” and what you really want to do, more than anything, what you’ve always wanted to do, is put your hands over your ears and walk out the door, one shoe on your foot, keep walking and never stop and don’t look back and you don’t think it’s you, and if it’s not you it’s them. And if it’s not you and it’s them it must also be the city you live in.

 

you couldn’t pay any of your bills for the month of December and now your phone is off and you deleted your facebook again because there’s no one there you need to talk to who can’t reach you in some other way. And you know you’re good at walking away, that you pride yourself on it, but when he texted you on Christmas and two days before a part of you wished you’d had it in you to respond. Pride keeps you from responding. Common sense does too. The knowledge that there is nothing to gain from treading over the same old ground.

 

You’d like to break up with everyone you know. “I’m sorry, it’s over”. Except, you’re not sorry. You’re relieved. Everything everyone shares with the world is just another reason to never see them again. Because they’re mean, they’re nasty, and they think their good taste will somehow protect them from their own mortality. It won’t. The fact that you do or do not listen to Bon Iver, Beyonce, The Magnetic Zeros, some obscure european indie-rock-inspired-by-Robert-Johnson-and-the-color-blue will not keep you safe from death, disease, loss, obscurity. It does not work like that.

 

You wonder what color you should dye your hair in order to be more elegant, more contained, more womanly, more put together. It does not matter what color your hair is. Anyway, you’d only lose interest a week into the project, stop using colorsafe shampoo, forget to straighten it and end up with an ombre mess. This is in no one’s best interest.

 

You’d like to call one person in particular, even though you don’t know him that well. You now believe your friend was right when she said you were just a little in love with him. You didn’t want to at the time, the thought horrified you. The idea that you could care so much about someone you barely knew, someone who barely knew you, troubled you. So you walked away, even though you’re pretty sure he would have liked you to hang around a little longer. This was also in no one’s best interest.

 

You wish you were not this cold. You wish you hadn’t wished for life to move so quickly without first stipulating a few conditions: a job, a place to live, a sense of purpose, a circle of friends that will not diminish so quickly. Be careful what you wish for. You’re supposed to take more care with the wording of things, lest the universe give you what you need rather than what you want. What you need is rarely palatable. What you need is rarely what you think you need.

 

You are where you need to be, she said to me. And for that moment, for the next 2,880 after it, you believed it. This belief started to waver when you found yourself wandering around the city with not enough sleep, crashing in someone else’s home because you’d never had so many people turn against you before. And even though things have settled down, it’s taught a valuable lesson.

“I don’t know if everyone else ricochets like this.  I’ve always had it in me, though, that complete coldness. If people demand too much, I’ll get rid of them. One of my friends mentioned that she felt she couldn’t defend taking the money of married men. Usually it seems to me an action that needs no defending. I realized I primarily only experience guilt if I’ve impacted another in a way in which I have no stake. I mean if I stood up someone for lunch because I confused the date, I would feel terrible. But if I bailed out last minute for lunch because there was something else I wanted to do, I would feel nothing. And if my lunch date became angry with me I would come back at them ten times angrier, thinking, I sent you a text a half hour before, how much more do you want from me? ” -nightmarebrunette (http://nightmarebrunette.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/melting/)

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 13, 2012 11:22 am

    yes to big, big chunks of this.

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