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I know my words are weapons full of danger, full of death

December 4, 2011

“Seeing you did something to me, it reminded me I have feelings”

I shouldn’t need strangers to remind me that I’m alive, that I have a heart. ‘This is kind of about you/This is kind of about me.’

I am not supposed to tell strangers that I think about them, that I can’t stop thinking about them. I would love to see anyone. I am longing to see everyone.

And when I do, I say things I shouldn’t. I snap at others. I am mean and nasty and I cannot help it.

There’s someone I Should See. I do not Want To See. There’s someone who forgot they were waiting to see me, someone who forgot they saw me, someone who doesn’t remember her son’s name and I don’t think I can sit there and not remember with her. Someone who’s forgotten to eat, someone who’s locked inside her head, someone. I think there’s a place in hell for me for ignoring my blood.

I don’t do well without the sun. I forget my hat and my gloves and freeze. I try not to leave my apartment unless I have to. I never used to be like this. I used to take walks and see people and go to the library and take out books. I am too tired for any of that now.

 

If you touch your tongue

to a 9V battery

it will

give you a shock

stun you a little

to let you know

it’s live, it’s alive

it’s working

if you touch your tongue

to mine

it will

do the same

an acrid taste

to let you know

I’m bitter

I’m angry

I’m a mean girl

but that’s just

the first taste

two minutes in

and there are

afternotes of

regret

of

sadness

of wanting to

make this moment last

the two minute mark

is when I start to bite

and

suck on your bottom lip

hoping to distract you

from my not-so-charming

vulnerabilities

 

 

I would give anything to remember how to make friends and lovers.

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