I’m not trying to break your heart/ I’m just trying not to fall apart
Classes started and I already feel overwhelmed. The end is in sight and I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid of failure.
I’ve been thinking about desire. What do I want? How do I want? I’m thinking delayed gratification can be a sublime experience. Allowing temptation to pass me by…is not usually how I operate. I’m not governed entirely by impulse or pleasure, but I’m quick to give in to what I want. Maybe too quick to give in to what I think others want when those desires more or less line up. Someone tried to get me to go home with them (amazing how often I seem to be writing that lately), and I declined. “Don’t you want to get to know me? Don’t you want to be my friend?”, I coyly asked. The answer got lost somewhere between his hand down my shirt, the other up my skirt. What can I say? Baby steps.
So maybe I take that desire, the desire I have for someone I really, really shouldn’t and the desire I have for someone passing my way and I sublimate it into something else. Love letters, poetry, hours of pacing around the city, hours of running my hands over brick, iron, concrete. This is how I remind myself I am alive. I let the city rub up against me instead of strangers?
My erotic body double
Wants to fuck yours
Head straight for the Pacific
Without stopping
Hold hands
Cross the Brooklyn Bridge
Keep walking
Wake up in the same boro
Everyday for a week
Feed each other oranges
At 2am
Leave the bourbon
The Johnnie Walker
Behind
My erotic body double
Wants to run her hands
Over your arm for an hour
Lick the salt of the
Sea
Off your shoulder
Run her hands
Through your hair
Break your glasses
And make a mess of all
Your fine, fake plans
My erotic body double
wants to get in the car
And go
Sit next to you forever
Reach the West in silence
Gaze at the ocean
Know we’ve
‘run out of continent’
But we’ll never outrun
Whatever lies,
aching,
between us
i love the poem. i fucking love it.