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the storm is what we call progress

May 15, 2011

So, I’m sure there’s a lot to say. I don’t know how to say it. I cut my hair today. I tend to lop it off when faced with high stress/emotion. I’m working on two papers and a presentation for the coming week. I just finished a paper earlier today. I always feel like my work can be better. I never feel as if I live up to my full potential and, in a way, this negates my innate intelligence. I disappoint myself and others far too often. I’d like to change that.

I’m reading a lot of Spanish lately, for work and for one of my papers. There’s a part of me that believes I will never fully be able to operate in Spanish and it makes me incredibly sad. I can live, work, eat, sleep, and make love in Spanish (to an extent) but I can’t…really write in it. I can’t express my abstract, poetic, academic self. What hurts even more is that it’s such a beautiful language, more than capable of being used to express all my thoughts. It’s a failing on my part.

I am trying to hold on to the idea that my work is important. What I am doing is important. I matter. I’m not “studying depressing literature written by oppressed people”. I’m trying to understand the world, I’m trying to understand myself.

I try to believe that pain is weakness leaving the body, that I am training myself to synthesize it in some more productive way. Sometimes I’m able to convince myself, sometimes I’m not.

I’ve been closed off for a few months now and now I’m trying to find my way back to the living. It’s hard. Someone called me this week, someone who shouldn’t have. His voice was so sad, so broken. I don’t wish bad things for him. I also don’t think it should take being hurt the same way he hurt me for him to understand that’s not the way to treat people. I won’t dwell on it now, but I don’t think that empathy is something you learn. You’re either born with it or you’re not. I think that’s why bad manners and social awkwardness bother me so much. Flouting social conventions isn’t hip to me. Breaking the rules for progress and evolution is. Treating people like shit because you think you’re better than the social contract, not so much.

Things that interest me this week: code switching, ennui, Walt Whitman, Julia de Burgos, Frantz Fanon, wanting to fuck everyone vs. having some sort of meaningful connection in life.

Bitter Song

These are some postsecrets I just found. They kind of tear me up inside.

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