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i wish that we could talk about it/but then that’s the problem/with someone new i could have started/too late for beginnings

March 28, 2011

I don’t take care of myself, I don’t know how to. I don’t eat enough fruits or vegetables, I don’t drink enough water. I stuff my face with too much sugar, too many carbs. I haven’t been touched with real love and affection in a long time and I am just painting myself into a corner with every call, every missive.

I’ve been wearing the same jeans, boots, bra day in and day out. I can’t work up the energy to care. I’m lucky my face is washed. I can’t even run a comb through my hair. I’m either eating too much or not enough. I’m forgetting or I can’t stop. I did nothing I needed to this weekend. I couldn’t even leave the house. I missed class. I want this nonsense to be over. The last five years are bleeding together and I don’t know where they went, what happened. I don’t know who I am and what I’m doing with my life.

Winter’s over, but it’s found a second wind and it’s knocking me flat on my ass. There are so few people I can talk to. Not very many people who want to hear from me.

And here I go, dredging through the past. Wondering why this person or that didn’t love me enough. Wondering at the root of it all. Just remembering the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath. Remembering the glaze in someone’s eyes.

This may not be the best time to reconcile myself to myself. I’m relying on abstract ideas and ideals: money and escape.

A soulmate would be nice. Maybe I’m having trouble admitting to myself that I’m looking for a lifelong love affair. Maybe that’s why nothing ever really comes from everything I engage in.

I can’t stop thinking of myself as mediocre. I haven’t written in months. I’ve lost something. I don’t know how to regain it.This isn’t the life I was supposed to have. Will I ever get my shit together?

Fighting urges to chop my hair off, stop eating, stop sleeping, and sacrifice pride.

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