Skip to content

Words! Be sick as I am sick!

November 29, 2010

 

The fact is, I’m not honest with myself. I haven’t been here. I’ve been trying to shape myself into something I’m not, using cold and calculated words. I tried to explain this to Rebecca once. I’m the message, I need to control the message. There are so many things I stop myself from saying. So many times I want to write and I don’t. Mostly I don’t think I have anything useful to say. How many times can I wax poetic about the Brooklyn Bridge, wandering around the village, getting drunk in Central Park, coming home to a boro made of and filled with defeat? How many times am I supposed to say “being me is HARD!” because it’s a tired line and I’m tired of using it.

Curing coffee jitters with valium sounds like a better idea than it actually is.

Sometimes I hate all my friends. It’s a thing. That’s all it is. I’ve been meaning to take a walk in Central Park for the past three months. It hasn’t happened. I’m not doing the things I should be doing to make it in this life.

I took a train 7 hours up to visit family. Things were not as I’d remembered. I was relieved to get back to the city because I’d felt I’d upset my sister in some way. I’m rarely relieved to come back. New York is a bad habit and I don’t think I’ll ever quite learn to fix it.

I don’t read enough, but I’ve been reading. I’ve been having dinner out on the town, I’ve been pounding margaritas, I’ve been buyingbuyingbuying to feel a little less empty. The truth is, aside from an existential crisis here or there…aside from a bout of loneliness…life is good. I’m on the right track. I’m thinking things, I’m thinking things through. Sometimes I have some pleasant male company. I can pay my bills, I can use my hands.

Improve your sexual repertoire, write shitty poetry, tell him he frightens you while he’s inside of you (because he does, he does, but you’re more than a little into that)

Read blogs written by girls your friends hate because they are “cold, unfriendly bitches”. This is probably only because they open themselves so much in their poetry they can’t be bothered to anywhere else.

Talk to someone you shouldn’t. Have him tell you he’s finally learning your shared language, the one neither one of you has been able to master (but you’re ahead of him) you guess he had to date a “real” Latina, a brown girl, before he could be bothered with it.

Sit in front of a fire with a baby sleeping on your chest. Realize you want this, but not just yet. “Give me chastity, Lord, but not yet. Not yet.”

Window shop for moleskines, eat cheesecake, wish you knew what to buy when you walked into The Strand, talk about conceptual poetry over dinner with a friend, drink coffee. Choose your vices wisely, pare them down until they fit in your life. I don’t know if I recognize the city and everyone in it if everyone I know is giving up smoking and coffee. I thought I was too young to have friends with husbands, babies, mortgages, old and dead habits. I realize with sadness, defeat, horror, (hope, enthusiasm, good cheer, impatience) that I really have reached that age.

I don’t know how to cook and I’m sure that’s what you want. Who wants a woman who can’t? Tits on a bull, the upper jaw, other useless things but this one makes sense.

I could stand to learn more, read more, weigh less, talk less. I could stand to push myself out of my comfort zone more often.

“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern”. – Frank O’Hara

Mayakovsky – Frank O’Hara

El Tigre – Pablo Neruda

Advertisements
3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2010 4:02 pm

  2. December 12, 2010 8:20 pm

    I have you on my iPod. I think I’ve said this to you last week (either I did or I didn’t, can’t remember) but you are.

    This line reminds me of the beat-gen run-on that I’ve always loved:
    “I don’t know if I recognize the city and everyone in it if everyone I know is giving up smoking and coffee.”

    need a push?

  3. Dad permalink
    December 18, 2010 4:03 pm

    Girl, check out your unique toolkit…and use it…always.

    Shoutout & Dedication: “I Will Survive” – Gloria Gaynor

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s