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All of that time you thought I was sad, I was trying to remember your name

October 14, 2010

You should close your mouth, you’re letting your ambition show. Sometimes it’s enough to wake up and face the day. Just face it. With hope, resilience, and cheer. Sometimes that’s all I need to sustain me. I haven’t written (really written) in days, weeks. There’s something stopping me, something lodged in my throat. Some knot that says “don’t even bother, you’d be lying to yourself and everyone else”. I haven’t been inspired for awhile. Love affairs, new literature, bizarre conversations, pretty shoes…these things inspire me. I haven’t had many of those lately. “There is a destiny that shapes our ends”, there may not be. I’ve got a future in mind I’m shaping, slowly shaping. Pain-sta-king-ly. There are things I want and need and I can’t not have them. K once told me that my writing moves her because it reeks of struggle. I have to wonder if it’s the scent of quiet desperation. Am I desperate? I don’t know. I like to think I’ve grown a lot in the last few years. I’d like to think there’s no air of tragedy around me.

The things R has told me always come back. “The things I’ve pursued in this life are sometimes not as rewarding as the things that have pursued me”. I believe it, I do. The universe has helped me dodge a few bullets. I’m grateful. “You seem to be tossed around by the way people feel about you”. Who wouldn’t be? But that’s neither here nor there.

“You’re the happiest person I know” “Everyone you know must be catatonic”. The older I get, the more I realize I’m secure in myself in a way I never thought I would be. A way that anchors me to the ground and lifts my head up. I know who I am (mostly), I know what I want (I know that I want). I know everything will be okay.

I’m alive and I’m not sorry. How could I be sorry? I inhabit this body that will “never be safe from harm”. It’s all I know how to do. Never stopping, always moving. Evolution. Where are you going? Where have you been? I’m heading for the forest, looking for peace. Looking for a way to STOP STOP STOP because I’m living like a shark. Always moving, hot on the scent of blood. You know how it is.

” ‘Don’t you like me anymore? Am I still beautiful?’

‘I love you…stop destroying yourself; you’re the most alive woman I’ve ever met.’ ” –The Most Beautiful Girl in Town – Charles Bukowski

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. October 15, 2010 11:13 pm

    This: “There’s something stopping me, something lodged in my throat. Some knot that says ‘don’t even bother, you’d be lying to yourself and everyone else'” = this: “social lubricant might be the only thing capable of dislodging this knot in my throat” (FB comment) Out of curiosity, which came first? It totally matters to me. :p

    love, love LOVE this movement/image: “Never stopping, always moving. Evolution. Where are you going? Where have you been? I’m heading for the forest, looking for peace. Looking for a way to STOP STOP STOP because I’m living like a shark. Always moving, hot on the scent of blood. ”

    I am also in need of bizarre conversations (some of which we have been having at the office lately) some, outside of it. And new shoes. And I am in need of a new poet. I’d like to borrow someone’s poet.

  2. October 15, 2010 11:56 pm

    So. This is really intense for me because the entire time I was reading it I heard your voice and everything was making so much sense. There’s nothing cryptic about this message of acceptance- how we all want what we want but in a way that is now anchored to security that we’ve developed (and I think continues to- the conversations with a few people- you included- seem to propel this development.)

    “Living like a shark” is a really interesting image. It seems so specific to y(our) existence in New York. Yes, I KNOW how it is. That sort of follow up is kind of a prompt for recognizing those around us as well. We are constantly on the move- we sleep with our tails slowly moving in the currents- we are asleep AND awake during times of observation- but are always moving through them.

    Well. Its been a great day.

    Lovelove.

    To Crystal-
    (You should come over and pick something out from my shelves – I’ve got lots of poets who feel neglected.)

  3. Irina d. permalink
    November 11, 2010 3:53 pm

    I didn’t read this yet. But I love that song. I will listen to it now as I read this.

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